The Ugly Truth About Failure

There are very few times in my life that I have failed or felt sheer disappointment in myself, today was one of those days. I started my distance learning BComm 3 years ago and this semester I did my first two 3rd year modules. I managed to receive a distinction for my one module and failed the other (two extreme opposites, go figure).

I cant even begin to describe the gut wrenching feeling I felt when I received the result with the word FAIL on it, such a simple word with such negative connotations to it. For those that know me, you will know that I am somewhat of a perfectionist, I am so critical of myself and always expect the best of me so hearing that I was none of these ultimately felt like my world was crashing. The disappointment stems from the fact that I am currently receiving a bursary so failing is not even an option given the financial implications of having to pay out of my own pocket to redo the module again but the biggest thing ultimately is having to redo the module at all, which is my final Economics module - urgh. I think if any of us are honest the fact that we failed anything makes us immediately ask ourselves what will other people think about me or what will they say about me but in my case I actually didn't even care because all that mattered to me was the fact that I had failed!

During my drive home and whilst reflecting I began to realize why my eldest son is so hard on himself when he receives anything less than 80% on an assessment despite his Dad and myself telling him how amazing the results he received are, he is obviously picking it up from me - in that moment of realization I could understand why he got so emotional about his results if they were not to his satisfaction. How though would I even begin to change this behavior that has been apart of my being all my life, then it dawned on me that it is not that I failed that he would remember but it is how I reacted to the failure and how I managed to overcome it that would leave a lasting impression. It was a good thing then that he was not with me at work today because that crazy lady was a ball of emotions and did not handle the news very well lol. So I have made the decision to utilize this failure and to use it to strengthen me as a person, to help me to realize that despite all my planning and skills that sometimes things will not go as expected, but that I should keep perservering because it is not in your moments of failure that you grow but in the way you decide to push through those emotions and come out stronger on the other side. After all how will you ever learn or grow if you never get things wrong?

All the comments I received today were so true such as "its not easy doing distance learning whilst having a full time career and kids", "this is the first module you have failed in your entire degree", "you have 5 distinctions so far which speaks volumes for your level of education", but truthfully in the emotional state I was in those words felt like water trying to penetrate through Vaseline, it just did not stick. It is important to allow people who are in that state to go through it, be supportive and try to understand where they are coming from because I can promise you that once the emotions settle and the reasonable part of the brain kicks in you begin to realize just how true the comments are and that this one minor setback will not end your world.

So yes 3rd Year Economics may have won today but watch out world because this fallen student will rise again and International Trade and Economics should be afraid because in the words of Arnold I'll be back!